Can a Christian marriage survive an affair?

Yes, mine did! We had been married for less than two years, when I fell in "love" with a man at work, told my husband that I wanted a divorce, moved out of our home and declared our marriage "dead."

Then, through a series of miracles, our marriage was resurrected. In order to prevent our past from repeating itself, we both went on a quest to learn how we had made so many nearly fatal mistakes. Through our journey, we have discovered six simple steps that Christian couples can take to grow "affair proof hedges" around their marriages. Why do we need hedges? Mark 12:1 says "A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge about it." He needed it to keep the bad things out and the good things in. We should have hedges around our marriages for the same reasons.

These actions are easy to remember because the first letter of each step spells the word H.E.G.D.E.S

Hearing - Listen to your spouse. Communication is much more than talking. Listening is the key to unlocking your mate. Often, Ron would hear the first few sentences about why I was upset and start giving advice and telling me how to solve my problem. However, I didn't want advice; I just wanted to tell him how I felt. His logic and list-making slammed the door on our communication. What closes the door on your spouse's attempts to talk to you? Do you get defensive or critical? Make sure that you are listening with your ears, and with your heart.

Proverbs 18:3 "What a shame to give advice, before hearing all the facts."

Encouraging - Lift your mate with praise. We used to call each other terrible names and say destructive things, but when we reconciled, we chose to stop tearing each other down and start building each other up. You can do the same. Tell your husband he's handsome and strong. Tell him, "You look really cute in those jeans." Tell your wife, that you appreciate her and say, "I'm so thankful I married you." Compliment your spouse in front of others too, and just watch them glow. Remember what Thumper's mother said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It took us several years, but Ron and I have come from a cycle of criticism to a cycle of praise.

Romans 14:19 "follow after things that make for peace so you may build each other up."

Dating - Enjoy each other. Find time for fun and romance. Surprise your husband with a love note in his sock drawer. Call your wife from the office, and tell her that you've made all the arrangements (including a babysitter) for a romantic dinner at her favorite restaurant. Build relationships with other Christian couples, go on marriage retreats and get involved in your church's Bible studies. Build a life that celebrates marriage.

Proverbs 4:23 "Rejoice in the wife (husband) of your youth."

Guarding - Establish rules. Set standards that neither of you is allowed to compromise. The spiritual rules should include consistent church attendance, tithing and daily devotions. The physical standards must include a complete ban on pornography, flirting and spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex.
You have to know your areas of weakness and safeguard those vulnerable spots. Write down your rules and be accountable to each other about following them.

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart with all diligence."

Educating - Acquire knowledge. The best person to ask about how to improve your marriage is your spouse. Ask them, "How are we doing" and "Is there anything I could do to make you feel more loved?" They will tell you. Get educated about your mate, study them to see what they like and don't like, then do more of what they like and less of what they don't like. Simple, huh? If you have problems, don't hesitate to go to your pastor or a mature Christian couple for help before you are overwhelmed. The best book to study, on the topic of successful marriage, is the Bible. Read it together.

1 Peter 3:7 "Dwell with your wife (husband) according to knowledge."

Satisfying - Meet the needs of your spouse. All of the knowledge in the world will not help your relationship unless it's put into practice. Ron used to tease me a lot and make me the brunt of his jokes. After we got back together, I told him how much the teasing hurt my feelings, and he has stopped. It took him several months to get out of the habit, but I was patient with him as he learned new patterns. His efforts to please me, made me want to do things to please him. So, we began to satisfy each other. A plant that is starved for water will send its roots out to search in new places, sometimes outside the hedges. Is your spouse well watered?

Isaiah 58:11 "You shall be like a well watered garden."

The reason we tell our story is to prevent it from becoming your story. I want you to know that, even though the grass may look greener on the other side, as one who has climbed over the hedge, and seen it close up, I can tell you that it's not lush and green. It's filled with thorns and weeds. It's all a lie!

Find your passions in your own back yard. Take delight and comfort in the fact that God has provided hedges of protection around our marriages, but we need to stay within their boundaries. Keep your relationship watered with love, affection and humor. Pull the weeds of bitterness, resentment and isolation. Work the soil together and, with the Lord's help, you really can have a marriage garden full of love, peace, joy and harmony.